You’re a Danger - Poison Drinker. (1972)

Boy: I dare you to drink that liquid there.

Other Boy: No way! It’s poisonous.

Boy: No its not, grown-ups just tell you that to stop you drinking it. Its lovely, they want it all for themselves.

Other Boy: Oh. Okay.

Boy drinks it

Boy: Ha ha ha ha. Tricked you. HA HA HA. Funny hey!

Other boy falls down and dies.

Boy: Oh no. I was only joking. I didn’t think it’d really hurt him.

Voiceover failed actor: Are you the sort of lad who would make a friend do something stupid for a laugh? Do you not consider the concequences of your laugh? Do you assume everything will be okay? Yes. You do?…

A loud bang and a close up of dead kids everywhere

Voiceover failed singer too: …then you’re a danger.

This PIF and all the others in the campaign failed. Kids remained just as stupid and its been at a pretty consistent level since. So at least things haven’t got worse.

The dear old 100-watt Lightbulb is about to go out as it’s not energy efficient (is that phrase the new “politically correct”?). Step forward the expensive – but it lasts 9 times longer! – Energy Saving Lightbulb. Now these over-priced bulbs aren’t without their critics. One pressure group in particular took great offense to the banning of ‘normal’ lightbulbs and have waged war on the fancy new Energy efficient bulbs.

ProperLightPlease08 are a pressure group who want regular bulbs to stay on sale. To help their cause they’ve commissioned a Public Information Film. In an attempt to smear the reputation of the almighty Energy Saving Lightbulb, they’ve put together a short example of one of the Energy Saving Lightbulbs biggest dangers – the delay from flick to light.

The Dangers of Energy Saving Lightbulbs - Filmed September 2008.

The scene is a residential house in the evening. It is dark outside but light in the living room where an old lady watches the local news on television.
The door bell rings, the old lady gets up to answer it. She opens the living room door into the hall, which is in darkness, she flicks the light switch but no light comes on. She carries on walking towards the door.

Old Lady (Dotty): Agghhhhh. (Crash, Bang, Smash, Wallop)

The hall light comes on. The old lady has fallen over a parcel of items she is giving to charity. She is clearly hurt. The door bell is rung again, and again. She slowly crawls towards the front door. The person at the door (her best friend) is about to leave. The old lady bangs on the bottom of the door just before she walks away, the best friend notices she’s had a fall.

Best Friend: Dotty? Oh my goodness!

The best friend tries to open the door, but it is locked.

Best Friend: I’ll go and get Harold.

The best friend fetches Harold, who is her neighbour.

Harold: Move away from the door, Dotty. I’m going to break it down.

Dotty moves from the door. Harold manages to break it down. The best friend rushes to her aid.

Best Friend: Ooh no. Shall I call an ambulance?

Dotty: No. I’ll be find in a minute, I don’t think i’ve broken anything, just a little shook up and a few bruises.

Best Friend: Thank goodness! What happened?

Dotty: It was that blasted Energy Saving Lightbulb. I flicked the switch but it doesn’t come on for a second. I walked into the hallway as i’ve done for the last 40 years and fell over that box of items I am giving to the charity shop on the highstreet.

Harold: My mate Frank who drinks down the Legion with me had a bad fall down his stairs the other week. That was caused by these blasted Energy Saving Lightbulbs too. It’s common knowledge that in rooms like Hallways you need light immediately because people walk though them straight away, they don’t wait to enter like they would a living room or kitchen. It’s human nature because they don’t plan staying there. Living rooms and kitchens are different, people will usually wait until the light comes on, but Energy Saving Lighbulbs in Hallways are dangerous because the light isn’t always instant.

Dotty: Yes they are dangerous. I must replace this bulb with a good old fashioned one. It’s not worth the pain, I may not be as lucky next time.

The camera moves away from them and focuses on the box of charity items, some of which have been knocked out and lie on the floor.

Voiceover Man: Dotty was lucky. Some people will fall down stairs, trip into dangerous objects and break bones, maybe even die because light from Energy Saving Bulbs is not always immediate. Whilst we must all care for the environment, we must care for ourselves first. Stock up on regular bulbs now and avoid using Energy Saving Bulbs in hallways and other rooms you would normally pass through and not wait to enter. If you must use Energy Saving Lightbulbs then try and remember to take care in these rooms and hallways, always wait until the room is illuminated. Sadly we believe that even the most careful of persons will walk before the light comes on once, and it only takes one time to get it wrong and fall a victim to the delay of from flick to light.

This Public Information Film, with its comedic fall and cringeworthy dialog, was eventually scrapped after the group behind it decided there were better ways to get their point across… and the fact that no television network, cinema, railway station or takeaway would show it. It has never been shown to the public and is unlikely to ever be shown in the future.

Research had shown that hemorrhoids were rife in the UK. Whilst many cases can be dealt with by using creams and sprays, other more serious or prolonged cases resulted in doctors appointments and operations to remove them. The latter cost the NHS money so a decision was made to launch a PIF which tried to prevent the more serious cases of hemorrhoids occurring.

Some idiots somewhere said that one way to prevent hemorrhoids was to take more care when wiping after defecating and wiping ‘back to front’ (none of this was ever scientifically proved). On the strength of this the following PIF was created. Shown in Doctors surgeries waiting rooms and on day-time tv, the PIF survived for 4 weeks before being canned due to “a lack of scientific evidence”.

Wipe don’t dip/Back to Front (April 2001).

Three elderly gentlemen, dressed as caretakers start to sing, they use their brush handles as microphones.

(To the tune of Que Sara Sara)

When I was just a young man, i used to wonder how should I wipe?
Front to back, Back to Front, here’s what my bum said to me.

Wipe don’t dip my son.
Go deep and you’ll hurt your bum.
Go from Back to front, you’re done.
That’s how you wipe your bum.
And your bum is clean.

I never listed to its advice, now i suffer with hemorrhoids.
They bleed, they hurt. What did I do wrong? 

Wipe don’t dip my son.
Go deep and you’ll hurt your bum.
Go from Back to front, you’re done.
That’s how you wipe your bum.
And your bum is clean.

Go Back to Front are you sure? It could get messy if you ask me.
I’ll get shitty balls, i’ll stink all day, nobody will go near me.

Wipe don’t dip my son.
Go deep and you’ll hurt your bum.
Go from Back to front, you’re done.
That’s how you wipe your bum.
And your bum is clean.

AND YOUR BUM IS CLEAN.

A new hemorrhoid PIF wasn’t produced to take its place after this was canned. Piles are painful and affect many Britons, but this awful PIF pretty much ensured it was put to the bottom (arf) of the list when it came to public information.

Dilly & Dally Recycling fun.  First Broadcast: 1986. Last Broadcast: 1986.

Dally: Hey Dilly, what shall we do with those drinks bottles?
Dilly: I don’t know Dally. We could make some toys with them?
Dally: No, I get all my toys from Warren’s Toy Market, Royal Barn Road. It’s the best.
Dilly: Well how about we just throw them away?
Dally: I know, Dilly. Lets Recycle them!
Dilly & Dally: YAY! Recycling is fun.
Dally: Maybe you should see if the neighbours have got any bottles for recycling too?
Dilly: Sure, Dally. Should I go see if [Insert names and addresses of suspected local perverts] has any?
Dally: No way! Mummy says he’s dirty and we should stay away.
Dilly: OK!

…some time later…

Dilly: Dally, Look at all these bottles i’ve got!
Dally: Wow, Dilly! That is fantastic. Let’s put them all in these bags and Recycle them!
Dilly: Where are we going to take them?
Dally: Silly Dilly! A Recycling centre of course! There are hundreds around the country, our local one is just opposite Warren’s Toy Market on Royal Barn Road. You know he’s got a buy-four get one free offer on Care Bears and assorted boys Action Figures right now!
Dilly: Wow! Warren’s Toy Market is the best. Every time I go Recycling i’m going to go to Warren’s Toy Market on Royal Barn Road to buy myself a fantastic toy. He had a great range of dress-up dolls for less than £3. That’s quality toys at Pocket Money prices!
Dilly & Dally: YAY for Warren’s Toy Market and Recycling used plastic bottles. A great partnership!

…some time later after Dilly and Dally had been Recycling…

Dally: That was fun wasn’t it, Dilly.
Dilly: Oh yes. We did all that Recycling and spent our pocket money at Warren’s Toy Market, Royal Barn Road. Open 9:30 am to 6:30 pm Mondays to Fridays. 9:00 am to 6:00 pm Saturdays. Closed Sundays and Bank Holidays apart from the Sunday before Christmas when its open from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm.
Dally: And you stayed away from the strange local men?
Dilly: You mean… [Insert full names and addresses of suspected perverts]. Yes I avoided them all and will do forever!
Dally: So we’re safe, recycling and very happy because we went shopping at Warren’s Toy Market.
Dilly: And we’ve been active so we’re fitter, healthier and happier!
Dilly & Dally: YAY For Dilly and Dally!

Are you Recycling yet? Dilly & Dally are, so if you’re not you must stop Dilly Dallying and join Dilly & Dally by recycling your bottles down at your local recycling centre.

The PIF only lasted 4 weeks before being replaced by an older Recycling PIF. It received dozens of complaints about its cynical advertising of local businesses and Human Rights campaigners suggested it was perhaps irresponsible to name suspected perverts and give out their addresses, especially when the evidence was usually little more than local gossip.

Whilst this PIF just disappeared from the television one day, it did leave a rather big mess behind it. Several nonce-bashings of innocent people got it on the national news. The general mis-information (such as the wrong addresses of Recycling centres) given by the film annoyed local communities. In regions that didn’t have a permanent Recycling centre they just used to give out the address of a local community hall. People with good intentions but stupid brains were dumping their plastic bottles in the grounds of the hall or the car park.

Dilly and Dally Recycling Fun must go down as one of the worst Public Information Films of all time, yet it is also a landmark one. Some people would rather forget it ever happened whilst others make sure nobody can forget – probably so something like this won’t be made again.

Serious man in a grey suit stands behind a table.
Milton Keynes is a beautiful place. The future of this great country of ours. The benchmark for all new towns around the world. Its citizens are proud of their surroundings, proud of their towns functionality and proud of its character. This Christmas we’ll all celebrate the season of goodwill in our own unique fashion. Something wants to hinder our celebrations though. You will have no doubt seen these being sold around neighbouring towns.

(Man slams a rubber doll of Mrs Thatcher on a small table)

You’ll not find these for sale in Milton Keynes anymore as we’ve banned them. They’re sold as an innocent and fun little toy, which points fun at our prime minister. It all appears harmless. When you squeeze the dolls stomacher it emits a garlic oder. You may think this is nothing but a harmless prank and the smell quickly disperses. We’ll you’re wrong. The smell is too strong. It lingers for an average of 4 days. Towns up and down the United Kingdom smell of Garlic due to this toy and Wycombe had to be closed for a short period whilst it was cleaned up and sprayed with over 56,000 cans of Glade air freshener.

We do not want MK to end up this way, so DO NOT BUY THIS TOY. Anyone caught with one within the boundaries of Milton Keynes will be given a bloody good hiding by local strongman champion, Harold Neville Rackatino.

Don’t stink out MK. Sure, we don’t want vampires invading, but this is taking it too far!

Sadly for the Milton Keynes lot the local population didn’t take any notice and the town found itself alienated from the rest of the country over the Christmas period due to garlic infection. The rest of the country escaped and had one of the best Christmases ever. Poor Milton Keynes. Just 12 months later they were locked-in due to an outbreak of Christmas Pudding Infections and 12 months after that the government just locked them all in for a laugh. They even managed to get Noel Edmonds to visit the town just before they did it. Top stuff!

ID+4+ME launched with this short broadcast on the dangers of terrorism facing the world and how Identity Cards would make Britons safer.

 
Three Britons stand shoulder to shoulder. A white male with a Norfolk accent. A black women with a slight Birmingham accent and a male Briton of Pakistani background who has a Liverpudlian accent.

Norfolk Man: Hello, my name is Kevin and my dad is a terrorist.
Midlands Woman: Hello, My name is Mariah and my father is a terrorist.
Liverpudlian Man: ‘ello. Mi name iz Kashaf and mi faver aint no terrorist, laa.

Voice over man: People who deny are usually guilty people. Who really has the terrorist father here? Kashaf does. Nobody likes thinking the worst because of a persons background, but lets be honest, if the glove fits then they’re almost 100% guilty. In this case the glove was custom-made and made of lycra for a perfect fit.

Thankfully the British Anti-Terrorist Posse (BATPo) tracked down his terrorist father and stopped a most horrible attack where millions could have died. It was a close call though. BATPo leader Dr Colchester Flaps had this to say.

Dr Colchester Flaps: This time we stopped them, but we had time to achieve this. Next time we might not have as long to plan. The Introduction of ID cards would greatly help us stopping people from killing everyone with terrorism. We believe ID cards are a must – otherwise we’ll all probably be dead by 2019.

Let’s all live longer. Let’s live safer. Let’s all decide it’s ID+4+ME.

This Public Information Broadcast was ran on late-night television for only 3 weeks. It was removed from transmission due to a record number of complains from residents of Liverpool, who claimed it was offensive to their city. Pakistanis were somewhat unhappy too, their complaints were ignored though.

Some further reading for you all:
No2ID – Website campaigning against the introduction of ID cards.
Equality and Human Rights Commission – “working to eliminate discrimination, reduce inequality, protect human rights and to build good relations”.  
Directgov. Government Citizens and rights – UK Government website for public services.
Visit Liverpool – Information and Tourism about visiting Merseyside. 
Preparing for Emergencies – A REAL British government attempt at ‘educating’ Britons about the terrorism threat and what to do if an emergency happens.

This film is a set of quotes, fading-in and then fading-out. White text on a black background.

“A street without people is like a sea without fish” Rudolph Diesel, Expert in sea life.
“A road without cars is like a 100-metre runners without performance enhancing drugs”  Lord Harold Flat-Gordon, Expert in flys.
“A head without dandruff is like a dog without fleas” Ray Bees, Dog Lover and expert in dog food.
“A prostitute without Aids is like a field without a goat” James Paul-Urinal, The world expert in sex, the sex industry, the consequences of prostitution and ice cream being used in sex. 

The Logo for “UK Prostitution Not O.K.” (Which is a white silhouette of a squatting woman, with a red glow emanating from her genitals) fades onto the screen with the caption “A future in Prostitution is a future in pain, sickness and eventually death”.

This Public Information Film was to be used at cinemas and on post-watershed television. It cost over £4,000,000 to make. Sadly it was withdrawn before broadcast due to concerns over the possibility that so much information in such little time could instigate seizures in those watching.

Kerry Courtina – The party Queen of Liverpool – here with some important advice.

It’s summertime, and summertime means warm sunny days and warm sunny days mean summer skirts. I don’t know about you girls, but the skirts in my summer wardrobe all tend to be on the short side! Short skirts are fun in the summer sun!

In the past I’ve warned you about the dangers of wind blowing up your skirt, and that danger still exists, but in the summer, where our skirts are shorter and wearing hosiery is less common, there is the danger of dirty perverted men and their mobile camera phones pointing up our skirt and taking a photo of our knickers.

This perversion was born in Japan, its common name around the world is flashypantyclickclick and it involves the pervert positioning their mobile phone so they can take a picture of up your skirt, and then taking it. It’s a massive invasion of our privacy and isn’t tolerated anywhere in the world, apart from Australia because they’re all sluts. Indeed Flash-a-gash ’08 was held back in March. 4,560 ladies turned up to take part and the event was won by a 31 year old IT consultant from Brisbane called Matt. He managed to take 430 high quality photos in the alloted time. He won the latest camera phone, 75 Australian Dollars and a pair of golden knickers.

I don’t know about you, but there is no way i’m giving up wearing my summer skirts. So what can us girls do to stop perverts having a kodak moment with our knickers? Vigilance is probably the best defence. Keep an eye out for dodgy looking men and lesbians who have their phone in their hand and look like they could click at any moment. Take special precautions with Japanese men because nearly 100% of these Japanese perverts take these photos every day!

The recent trend of going commando gives these pervos more will to get their naughty snap too. So don’t go all Britney on womankind. Either learn how to protect your skirt-gap properly, or always wear sensible knickers.

The only way we girls can stop these pervs from taking photos of our knickers is to watch out for it and report it to the police if we see it. Better still, phone the up-skirt invasion hotline on 0891 6950505069888. You can report flashypantyclickclick invasion in confidence and the pervert in question will get vigilante justice, rather than the overrated justice handed out by the police.

Come on girls. Say no to upskirt panty camera phone photos. We don’t have to live with it so remember. Keep a look out, and if you hear a suspicious click, don’t hesitate to kick him in the dick. Say that to yourself every time you go outside with a skirt on. Remember “If you hear a suspicious click, don’t hesitate to kick him in the dick”. If it turns out to be an innocent click he’ll understand. If he doesn’t he’s probably one but just not on that day. It may be best to offer him a feel to keep him sweet incase he threatens to report you for assault though.

Right. I’m off to appear on Celebrity Caesarean. I’m getting £50,000 for the show and got impregnated for free. I have such a crazy and glamourous life. See you later!! Mwwwah!

Remember. Indicators are Robots. Wind down your window and use a clear arm-signal when turning at a junction. Don’t trust YOUR life to a robot. Leave your Indicators off and use your arms.

The car robots want to kill you. Don’t let them. Don’t let a robot drive you down death lane in your car.

DON’T LET A ROBOT DRIVE YOUR CAR!

Background Information: The “Don’t Let a Robot…” series of Public Information Films where funded and recorded in the early 1980s by The Hairy Jesus versus the Techno-Tigers Front. Only the BBC broadcast these messages, on both television and local radio in the South West. ITV and Cinemas rejected the request to broadcast them as they “lacked research” and “the organisation behind them are rabid spackers”.

Like most of us lads, i like going out, getting blind drunk and having a bit of a fight. It’s all gravy. A bit of kebab shop rage, a few too many ales and squeeze of a ladies arse in the nightclub is part of the fun. It’s to be expected. It’s being a lad. It’s our f**king job!

Last week, one of my best mates did all this and even managed to take the lady home to give her a proper good seeing too. We’re talking really good sex here cos she looked filthy but pwopa hot. He was in for the time of his life. Sadly it didn’t quite happen. My mate never managed to get his end away with her because he fell unconscious in the taxi home and went into a coma. Why’d this happen? Cos he’d been mixing his beers.

When you’re out with the lads, pick and stick. Find an Ale you like and stick with it all night. Mix your beers and you’re taking a f**king liberty with a part of your insides known as your Reedsbottle and it doesn’t like you pissing about with it. It’s a pwopa touchy sod and takes it personally. Your Reedsbottle controls your brain when you’re pissed. If that doesn’t work then it knows something is f**ked up and it shuts you down whilst it fixes itself. Shutting you down means coma. Heavy shit!

Whats worse. When you finally come out of the coma you’ll have the worst hangover ever, and it’ll last for 3 weeks. Also, if you happened to be sexually aroused when you slip into it, then you’ll stay like that throughtout the coma and this can have serious affects when you come out. What i’m trying to say is, you’ll have a stiffy all the time and a 3 week stiffy aint good for you. You’ll not get another hard-on for about 5 months afterwards, your dick will ache all the time and there have even been some reports of dicks snapping off when the victim takes a piss. Now thats out of line, but its what happens.

So wot do you do to stop this shit going down? Don’t mix your beers. Simple. You’ll miss out on having fun and banter with the lads, go into a coma, have dick problems and it might even snap off. Don’t f**k with your beers and don’t let the beers f**k you about. Drink responsibly.

So now you know. Jog on.